My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
