Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
do herpes really smell.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
