how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
