i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
