What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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