Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
