yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
