There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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