Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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