I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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