If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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