Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Still dying that you shit outside
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
