I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
