Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Come on in and take your pants off
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