Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he was CRYING into my vagina
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Randomize
