my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
