It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
