12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
