so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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