Do you still have your period?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
