I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
