It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize