You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
