come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
