i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
