Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize