He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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