if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
