I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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