that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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