plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
