____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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