Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
