I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
how do flat chested girls get laid?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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