This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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