You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
