here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
two words: eviction party
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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