You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
