I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
