Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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