im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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