If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
