Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
