seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
