I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can text with my tongue
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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