Please, let me fuck your mom
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
