good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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