theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
