I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize