So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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