Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
