My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
