I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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