I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
