Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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