I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
