so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
