on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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