Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
