you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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