The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
