Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
