I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
