are you still at the devil's house?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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