There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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