I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
